Lots of birthday cuteness!

Haley had a great birthday and had tons of fun at the circus! She loved getting an art easel and some new Groovy Girl items and lots of other fun things. We've been overrun with presents!

Phobia...

Haley has a lot of anxieties and fears. She has never been a good sleeper and has genuinely been awakened by fear several times in her short little life. This last week at school there's been lots of talk about Halloween, and of course, the various monsters that go with it. Two nights ago she started back into her "I'm afraid of monsters so I can't fall asleep in my own room" routine, which we've not seen for a while. I was able to placate her, however. Last night, though her phobia was in full vengence. Kelsee was the one putting her to bed, and when "I won't be able to fall asleep because I'm afraid of monsters" didn't look like it was going to work getting her into our room, Haley became desperate. H: *wailing* Mommy, I'm afraid! K: Of what, Haley? H: I'm afraid of heights! K: Heights? Haley, do you even know what that means? H: *sheepish look* K: Afraid of heights means you are afraid of going up in high places. H: Oh...*resumes wailing* Well, I'm still afraid of it! Oh, that kid... --------- I'm down a half-century from my March 2008 weight. Holding off on the new wardrobe, though. I like the "kid wearing his daddy's clothes" look.

A Moment of Self-indulgence

This post is total self-indulgence, for me, of course. Read at your own risk. I don't know if this ever happens to anyone else, but sometimes I just get these collection of things in my head, and I can't get them out until I write them down. This is one of those times. There is probably nothing in this post of any value for anyone else, but just consider this a brain purge so I can actually accomplish things next week. I started running a 2 3/4 mile route yesterday morning. My muscles were screaming at me when I was done. I did more walking than I wanted, but whatever. Today I ran it again and did much better. I think I probably walk less than a quarter mile during the whole route, though I have no way of knowing for sure. Again, whatever. It feels good, and it's not a competition against anyone but myself. I'm proud of myself, considering I started walking a 1 1/4 mile route in mid July and began running it a week later. I'm down three pants sizes and my business casual attire that I wear to work are pretty baggy. I even bought a new pair of jeans and gave a perfectly good pair in my old size to goodwill. Usually I get rid of clothes because they wear out or I outgrow them. I can't remember the last time I "outshrunk" something. I don't know how much weight I've lost since I don't own a scale and I'm not about to pay my nurse practitioner for weekly visits to help monitor my weight, especially since it was never about the weight for me. It was about my family. We'll be back to our program after this brief break... -------- If it wasn't for music, I don't think I could survive running. MP3 players were made for runners, I'm sure of it. Anyway, if I could only have 10 songs on my jogging list, right now it would be these, in no particular order (only one per artist): 1. Timebomb - Godsmack 2. Gettting Away with Murder - Papa Roach 3. Qwerty - Linkin Park 4. Grind - Alice in Chains 5. Pure Trauma - downset. 6. The Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson 7. Psycho - Puddle of Mudd 8. Head Like a Hole - Nine Inch Nails 9. Sabotage - Beastie Boys 10. Down With the Sickness - Disturbed (Most of these are Alternative Rock, with lots of guitar and bass. I mix in bunches of other songs: rap, rock ballads, classic rock, some R&B. But these are fixtures.) Now, back to our program. -------- After years of staying fairly stable in weight (I was still way overweight, but I wasn't really gaining anything new), I suddenly began putting on the pounds again. I wasn't any more sedintary than before, though I think I was eating more. Regardless, I found myself with considerably less energy. I couldn't keep up with Haley for long, I didn't have the energy to give to Kelsee in the evening, and I was really starting to feel it in my joints. When Cameron came to live with us in spring, things in our lives obviously went topsy turvy. Because of the stress, I was more tired then ever. I needed a boost, so I began cutting back on the food I ate. I didn't stop eating what I liked, I just ate less of it. If I wanted a greasy burger, I ate it. Knowing me, there was now way I was going to move to some diet. So portion control was my goal. I don't think I consciously began doing that, but when I had a series of five or six doctors appointments over the spring and summer, I began to notice a trend. After about the third visit, I realized my weight had gone down 3-5 pounds each time. Now when you are as heavy as I am, weight fluctuation isn't strange, but I decided to make a conscious effort to watch my food intake. By my last visit in late July or early August, shortly after I began running, I'd lost 35 pounds. I started running because I could tell that I would start to stabilize in my weight loss if all I did was portion control. At first running was excrutiating. My cardiovascular system sucked. I couldn't run very far without getting very winded. I think if I hadn't been playing basketball once a week, it would have been worse. Anyway, my muscles ached and my joints throbbed. I did a lot of walk-running, trying to increase the running distance and decrease the walking. I also realized that I was killing myself on this 1 1/4 mile route (which I'd actually bumped up to 1.6 miles). I had a big hill at the beginning, which meant that I was pretty wasted after I got to the top. I decided to choose a new route and increase the distance. Bingo! I was now running 2 miles without killing myself as much. I mean I still had bad running days and good running days, but my new route only had little hills, so I didn't have to expend as much energy at the beginning. Last week, I extended that route to 2 1/4 miles, but that didn't really test me more than the 2 miles. So I extended it to 2 3/4 miles yesterday. Yesterday, I hurt. Today I feel good. I'm shooting to get up to 3 miles, and then decrease my walking distances to as little as possible. Who knows? Maybe I'll run one of those 5K charity runs or something one day. The best part? I'm able to hang with Haley when we play (at least for longer; kids have boundless energy). I'm get less sleep (since I'm teaching three classes this semester), but I have more energy throughout the day. Which means I'm better company in the evening (I guess we'll let Kelsee be the judge of that). I think I'm happier, too. And physically I feel better. Now if only I can get rid of the other stressors in my life...Oh, well. C'est la vie.

A Blissful State of Random...

Haley has expanded the Purdy Lexicon by leaps and bounds. Her latest can be explained with this story: Haley needed to go to the restroom. Sometimes she takes forever (she is nothing if not my child). This particular time was one of those. After what seemed to be an eternity, she emerged and announced to anyone in earshot: "I had a melty poop." So now, in our home, a possible symptom of the flu is melty poop. ------------- During my sister's nearly three week stay at the hospital, I became intimately acquainted with the idiosyncrasies of the parking garage, most especially the painfully slow elevator. While I was often in a less than alert state of mind during my elevator wait, I did happen to once take stock of my surroundings. I discovered the most interesting set-up. Either someone had a great sense of humor or they just wanted to tempt people. ------------- We took Haley to see Ringling Bro/Barnum & Bailey Circus. Wo, talk about sensory overload. I didn't know where to focus my eyes or ears at times. Anyway, it was awesome. Well done, funny, exciting, and not horribly expensive. Haley had a blast. For the first time she really seemed to get into something like this without having to be coaxed. When she went with Kelsee, Austin and my mom to see High School Musical on Ice, she just sat kind of in a trance, though she says she had fun. At the circus, however, she would clap enthusiastically at the right times, laugh at the jokes (even the more subtle ones) and just responded exactly as appropriate. Very nice investment, indeed. Here she is at the circus, with that award winning grin: ------------------ Speaking of the circus, Haley's favorite parts were the clowns. And their were bunches of them. She loved them, laughing and clapping at their antics. Needless to say, we had to do a clown cake for her birthday party the next day. Kudos to my Honey for another awesome cake. --------------- Just another couple of random pics of Haley in an effort to increase our blog traffic and number of comments. ------------------ So all the humor aside, let me wrap up with what I feel is a sweet though heart wrenching picture. This tender moment of Cameron and his mother was taken a couple of days after she was admitted to the hospital and placed in the ICU. I miss you, Tanya.

Race for the Cure

My good friend, Heidi, recently walked in the Portland, Oregon Susan G Komen Race for the Cure walk. She walked in memory of two very special breast cancer victims in my life: my paternal grandma, Geneva Kappes and one of my best friends, Lori Clay. She also walked in celebration of my friend, Deana Steppe. I was so touched by Heidi (she's a young breast cancer survivor) and her willingness to let my friends and family be honored and remembered while she walked.

Thanks Heidi!!

Funeral Information and Obituary

Tanya's funeral information is below. The link to her online obituary is also below. Viewing: 5:00-8:00 pm, Thursday, September 18, 2008 Kerr Brothers Funeral Home, 3421 Harrodsburg Rd, Lexington, KY Funeral: 1:00 pm, Friday, September 19, 2008 LDS Church, 1789 Tates Creek Dr, Lexington, KY Graveside service and dedication: Immediately following funeral service Bluegrass Memorial Gardens, 4915 Harrodsburg Road, Nicholasville, KY (just across the Fayette-Jessamine County line) Obituary: http://www.legacy.com/kentucky/Obituaries.asp?Page=Lifestory&PersonId=117592756

And then there were two...

1:50 pm. September 16, 2008. That date is now etched into my mental and emotional record, placed right below November 5, 1995. Tanya is gone. Just as I hoped, she passed peacefully. One moment she took a breath, and the next moment there was no more. Mom and Mike were standing on either side of her bed, holding her hand and her head, respectively, when it happened. I'm sure as time passes I understand why this moment was so long in coming, when it seemed as though everyone was prepared for this at least a week and a half ago. At least I feel in my heart as though she is in a better place, released from this mortal prison we call a body, and placed into the arms of my father and grandfather and other loved ones. I'll post additional details of viewing and funeral, etc as I get them. In the interim, those who wish to send flowers, please donate to the Huntingtons Disease Society of America instead. Because I'm such an accomodating guy, I've placed a link to their online donation page. Click below and help the cause. Please. For me, for my mom, and for my sister's kids. Thanks for all those who have loved and supported us through this process. https://www.hdsa.org/donations.html

Tanya

We're still waiting for Tanya, Jason's sister, to complete her journey here on earth. It looks like it will be today but we've thought that off and on for most of the week so we really just don't know what to expect. Jason has had some very tender moments with her and I know that those mean so much to him. I've said my goodbyes and expressed my love for her and I feel as much peace as I can considering the circumstances. Cameron is very private in his grief - he's said his goodbyes to his mama but he's struggling. Haley doesn't understand what's happening. Our hearts are hurting so much. There's just no getting around it. This hurts. Last night I was thinking about Tanya before she got so sick and I was distressed when I had a hard time remembering details of things we used to love to do together. I realized (again) that she's been sick for a very long time and I was reminded of how very much we've already lost. I decided to share a few thoughts about her here (I can't get my pictures to load but I will post some of her later). Tanya has two truly outstanding qualities that I automatically think of when I think of her: her kind, gentle nature and her positive, "keep-plugging-along" attitude. Those two things make her easy to love and be with. Everyone that truly knows Tanya knows how sweet-natured she is and how determined she is to just keep moving forward. Tanya loves music; before she got so sick she was a talented pianist and vocalist. She even attended BYU on a music scholarship. Tanya loves tv and movies (I have so many fond memories of her curled up on the couch with her kids cuddled all around her). She loves to read. She is a girly-girl. She likes pretty things and being pampered and doted on. More than anything else, Tanya loves being a mom to her five children. They are her life and they bring her so much joy. Tanya has a gorgeous smile. It stretches from ear to ear. When I think of her smile, I smile. It reminds of good times we've shared and happy memories she's made. She loves her kids so much and she delights in their silly antics, their artwork and schoolwork and their affection for her. She always smiles when Jason and Mike and I tease her or someone tells her a corny joke. Her happy countenance often brings peace and happiness to her family and friends and it's something I've grown to count on in my life. The tragedy of Huntington's Disease is that it steals your loved one little by little and much, much, much too soon. I'll never forget Tanya's sorrow when she wasn't able to play the piano any longer, drive her car or to physically take care of her children anymore. But Tanya impresses us with her acceptance of the situation - not that she likes it but that she is able to still find joy in what she is able to do and that she is able to keep her faith in her Heavenly Father and His plan strong. Tanya is a special person: a gentle spirit, a loving wife and mother, a wonderful sister and daughter and a special friend. I'm so grateful that she is my sister-in-law and my friend. In some ways I've grieved for her for a long time but this dying thing - it's so hard, so painful. Yet we know it's time. And we are letting go because it's the only thing we can do for her now - lovingly let her go, wrapped in our love, so that she can shed her crippled and ill earthly body and let her spirit fly free. I love you Tan-O. I'm going to miss you so much. But I know I'll see you again and I know your dad is waiting to hold you in his arms again. Goodbye my sweet, loving friend. You changed our lives by being you and we'll always hold you close in our hearts.

First day of school Haleyisms

I need to write these down so that I don't forget them... As Haley came in from her first day of school, she let out a huge sigh and said, "I'm woooo-oooorn out" and collapsed on the couch. She told me that she had a great day but then gave me her list of complaints: - '1,2, 3 eyes on me' - that's all my teacher said today. I can't stand it anymore! - We didn't learn any math OR science! - We ran out of time for the library! *grumble, grumble* - All I did today was wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, waaaaaaiiiiiit. But she had a great time. If she says so! :)

Remember That One Time...

For those of you who tune into this blog and casually peruse my light-hearted prose, I'm shifting gears today. If you don't want to read a lot of emotional reflection, you need to just wait until the posts return to their humorous slant. It's been a week now since my only sibling went into the hospital with severe pneumonia. The lack of oxygen apparently led to a minor heart attack and what looked to be partial renal failure. Her body temperature spiked at 104 before she stabilized. In this week, Tanya has gotten worse, then improved, then gotten worse, then improved until Sunday afternoon, she really took a tumble. Her CO2 levels hit more than twice the normal level, which mean that her body was refusing to expel all that gaseous waste. Nothing seemed to work. Tanya's husband, Mike, signed a DNR Sunday night. Yesterday morning, early, a doctor mentioned that he didn't think she'd last the day. So we sent Haley to school, and Kelsee and I loaded Cameron into the van to go say his last goodbyes to his mother, thinking we could just wait it out. Sometime in late morning, they decided to remove all her various life-sustaining devices and move her to a private room outside of ICU so all her family could be with her as she passed on. However, she took another upswing once the feeding tube was taken out, so the little fighter decided to hang on for at least one more night. As I write this, I wonder how she is since I've not yet heard from anyone at the hospital. I just can't go spend another day at the hospital today. I prepared myself, and had a very tender moment with her yesterday when she was lucid and responding to my words. It was my special goodbye. On one hand I hope they call me if she takes a turn for the worse so I can make an effort to be there for the end, if not for myself then for my family. On the other hand, I'm at peace if she passes before I see her again. Grief is a very interesting thing. Everybody does it in their own way. There is no right or wrong. There were nearly 40 family members and friends at the hospital yesterday, many of whom stayed for hours waiting. Dozens of other friends and family called in. It was a remarkable outpouring of support, and one my sister would have loved to see had she been more aware. My mom really benefited I think from all of TC's family around her. I, on the other hand, am a very private person when it comes to my emotions. Just ask Kelsee how hard it is to get me to express my feelings, and she's my best friend and lover. I write my emotions here because writing is therapeutic to me and it's easier to bold or honest in cyberspace. Anyway, I tried to keep a stoic presence in public, but when it was just me and Kelsee, I was often in my own state of emotional catatonia. This is harder than when my dad died. Kelsee said it could be because I'm older and have more life experience. That's part of it, I'm sure. I'm sure I'm also feeling this more because Tanya is a peer, just two years older. We experienced life together as siblings, dealing with our childhoods in a way parents couldn't. She's been sick for a long time, but I still feel a new pang knowing that I can't turn to someone when I have a childhood memory and say "Remember that one time..." Even as recently as six months ago I could still share the memory with Tanya and she'd smile or laugh. That's gone. Sometime in the near future, it'll just be me talking to the air, and no one else will have that knowing nod as they join me in reverie. Does this sound like a heaping tablespoonful of woe-is-me? I guess it does. C'est la vie. I'm prone to bouts of self-pity, but they are usually fleeting. I'm sure more will occur as I sit around waiting for my sister to die, whether that be days or weeks. On a more positive note, when my emotional state is heightened as it was yesterday, I tend to be all touchy-feely. Anyway, during the dozen or so elevator trips yesterday, I had the opportunity to travel with several new mothers and fathers. I saw at least a half dozen tiny bambinos on their way home with their dazed parents. I don't know what their lives will be like, but at that moment all seemed right in their worlds. With death comes sadness and mourning. With birth comes joy and hope. I count myself blessed that I know that after death we will have that same joy and hope again. Don't tell me there is no God. I've seen and felt too much to believe otherwise.